My Dreams, Thoughts And Stupidities

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 22:18:23 GMT

Life's going up and down like a fuckin' yoyo.

Liam almost broke up with me, but I convinced him not to, and we're back to normal, but I think I'm ruining it now because of the smoking thing. Poopie.

I'm not too great right now life sucks and my backs died.

I never have anything brilliant to write

(I miss you my darling Mikey-poo! Did you get the poem?)

Mon, 16 May 2005 19:20:52 GMT

I don't trust my geejay journal. So I'll ell this one instead.

So I'm shaking like a crazy woman and it might just be that I'm cold but I dunno. I'm annoyed and I want to hit Martyn. And I think Liam might be on the verge of breasking up with me. He's been acting weird and, oh I dunno. It's just beginning to annoy me and scare me.

Sun, 08 May 2005 20:33:47 GMT

and I don't know what to do anymore
Something's wrong and I don't know what it is and i don't know what to do

+I'mscared/

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 23:17:18 GMT

mah shexy ear

yum yum

ooo...

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 13:52:02 GMT

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 12:06:28 GMT

...dave you crossdressing porn star you...^_^

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 11:27:24 GMT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO...wow..ME!!!

yes finally, i am 14!

only 2 more years to legal sex...

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 13:03:54 GMT

Hate

Fake

'Friends'

Indeed i do! heh....i'm ok today i think....

nothing to do relly. my dads friend Diane is coming down till monday with 2 of her boys. one petes age. one 8. i hope they arent annoying o.o

pfft nothing to do and no where to go lol

Wed, 28 Jul 2004 17:32:16 GMT

i keep becoming blind and seeing my past mistakes. i see a cut on someone, then ill imagine a razor tearing its way across my skin. and ill want it. but ill feel the pain. and the blood. but it wont be real. i wish it were real...

i keep seeing that moment. mum barging into my room. wanting to stop her. i hold up my jacket over my arms. im dressed so why do i need to do this? she knows i used to. she doesnt know anymore. she hsnt checked me for months. im safe. not now. she'll ask. she's asked. shit. she sees. she grabs my wrist. so tight. the razors. where are they? where did i hide them this time? will she be able to find them? will i be able to keep one for memory...future? she wants them all. she gets them all
i have nothing. i cry. blood tears. well thats what they taste of.

i keep remembering my happy days with him, when he used to come here and we'd lay on my bed whispering sweet words, worrying what mumll say if she comes in and catches us up there. but i dont want that anymore. not with him anyway. i hate him. i hate him. i hate him....i hate him....i do....i do....i....do!....

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 10:03:11 GMT

my tummys taking spasms o.o

ok that was randum but hey. i dunno

shhh i'm just tiiiired 8-)

Sun, 27 Jun 2004 21:35:18 GMT

i want everyone on my friends list to give my their definition of love

eventually ill give mine. but i want urs first :)

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 22:04:11 GMT

i'm slipping into it again. yes i am falling again, everythings failing. i love Tom AGAIN. why? io dont know, i just feel something from him, it feels like he actually loves me, and i love that, i have wanted it for so long, and now i feel it....i want it...i want him, why does he have to be so far away? i cry thinking about him....i just dont understand why god has to do this to me....so i'm sat here, feeling sorry for myself, in tears, listening to sad slow songs being the dumbass i am, wanting it so much, for that blade, for a bit of alcohol and a cigarette. make my day.

i'm so scared of myself, i wish i could just understand, why is life so full of wishes? i wish he were closer, i wish i could be with him, i wish i could still be with him, i wish we could be what we was, i wish i could see him. i wish we were alone, soemwhere, talking, kissing, loving. but hey itll never happen.

oo....

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:36:35 GMT

I'M LIKE AT WARDYS AND STUFF! oops caps lol....urrrmmmmmmmmmm hes just wondering around his room and im invading his pc. yus. talking to randum people on his msn. raiding wardys house is fun. im hungry. wow. ooh wardys disspaeared downstairs! lalalallalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala yum i <3 J and J hehehehehe lez knows who i mean i think, heatleast knows one of zem! heheheheh

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:34:56 GMT

ever since we parted, i've been missing u so much
everyday i was wishing i could feel your touch
sometimes i think i can feel your arms around me
you'd always said to shout your name and there you'd be
for me
but i never found you
i never have you anymore

did i ever have you before?

ever since you are gone i struggle to carry on
i wear the ring you gave me everyday as if it were my wedding ring
the ring of eternal love
everyday
i pray
to taste your kiss once more
but part of me never wants that
i miss you darling
and i will forever

i'm everything i wished i wasn't, i'm here without you
but do i want you?
calling out your name after another sleepless night thinking you're in the room too
i dream about you and when i do i wake crying
because i always dream you dying
without me
alone, broken, worthless,
everything i amm
and everything you said i am
or did you?

~chorus~

how did i manage this?
to break myself because of you?
evern though you did too
i should have been able to manage
i'm the one who did this
i guess i could say i broke myself apart
and blamed you
as always
but how could i when i thought all i needed was you?
what's the matter darling shall i hold your hand again?
it was always just a game
i know i'm nothing special
but i wish you'd love me anyway
or do you?

~chorus~

23:20 02/06/2004 by Roisean J Metcalfe.

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:33:22 GMT

loveridden ive-a looked at you, with the focus i gave to my birthday candles,
ive wished on the lidded blue flames under your brow and baby i wished for you

nobody sees when you are lying in your bed and i wanna crawl in with you but i cry instead
i want your warm but it will only make me colder when its over

so i cant tonight baby

not not baby anymore if i need you i'll just use ur simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on and in a little while we'll only have to wave
my hand wont hold you down no more the path is clear to follow through
i stood too long in the way of the door and i'm giving up on you....

no not baby anymore, if i need you i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on
and in a little while we'll only have to wave...
no not baby anymore....
if i need you i'll just use your simple name
only kisses on the cheek from now on and in a little while we'll only have to wave.....

--

yes.....<3<3<3<3 this song

Thu, 03 Jun 2004 14:30:17 GMT

theres some thing in life ill never understand, like love at first sight, see i believe in this but i dont, how can u fall in love by just seeing the outer of a person? the only way you can love is when you know them, well....and love everything about them, well youll always know they have flaws, but yer,. thats love. otherwise its lust

who do i lust at the moment? well theres....*counts* j, j, l and k....and of course ill alwayslike j, s, b and b....yer....i quite like a too....thats about it....

~~i need you i need you like a drug....i need you i need u like a....~~

Sat, 29 May 2004 19:40:34 GMT

*You*

-Full Name?: Roisean Joy Metcalfe
-Date of birth?: 26/08/90
-Current Hair Color?: black with purple streaks
-Natural Hair Color?: strawberry blonde
-Eye Color?: Blue/Green/Grey
-Glasses or Contacts?: glasses
-Braces?: no
-Single or taken?: taken
-Height?: about 5,4"
-Weight?: about 8 stone I think
-Freckles?: yer :(
-Curly/Straight/Wavy Hair?: urm…straightish, bit wavy, flicky outy lol
-Skin Color?: pale
-Birthplace/Where You live now?: southend/St.helens

*Details About You*

-Least favorite Body Part?: feet/belly
-Favorite Body Part?: eyes/right arm (Don’t Ask)
-Piercings?: one in each ear
-Tattoos?: nope, but i want one
-Self Esteem on scale of 1-10: urm…I sound stupid….but what is self esteem? lol
-What Do you Think of Your Looks 1-10: 3 outta 10
-Do You Paint Your Nails?: sometimes yes
-Body Type?: slim
-Are You Happy With Yourself?: not relly
-Introvert/Extrovert: what!?
-Are You Suicidal?: urm….(look back at previous entry)
-Ever Cut Yourself?: urm….(same as above)
-Mainly Happy Or Sad?: bit of both. I’d say sad thought.
-Lazy or Busy?: very very lazy

*Your Personality*

-Depressed or Happy?: both
-Loud or Quiet?: bit of both
-Stay At Home or Go Out?: mainly go out
-Rent a Movie or Go to Theatre: go theatre
-Are You a Flirt?: most definately
-Strongwilled?: urm….
-Obnoxious?: huh?
-A Good Friend?: id like to thing i am,
-Optimist or pessimist?: I try to be optimistic about most things. Tho I come across as pessimistic
-Slutty?: I hope not
-Shy?: sometimes
-Understanding?: I try to be
-Random?: most definatly lol
-Emotional?: too….
-Sensitive?: too….
-Mean?: only when I feel its right to be lol
-Blunt?: urm….?
-Honest?: I try to be
-Bitchy?: can be
-Original?: I think I am….i dunno….
-Arrogant?: ?
-Confident?: urm….ish
-Artsy?: yeah (if it means artistic lol)
-Ambitious?: yes
-Dependent?: yes
-Funny?: sometimes
-Lazy?: yes!!
- Sarcastic?:can be
-Opinionated?: yes

*Favorites*

-favorite...color?: purple, pink, black, red, silver, blue
-food?: I dunno…..
-song?: i have many fav. some are.. broken – evanescence and seether, anything by otep, faster the chase – InMe, quiet things that no one ever knows – Brand New etc etc
-band?: too many….
-type of kiss?: I prefer just a peck because I’m weird :-P
-type of sex?: ill decide when I’m older : )
-piercing?: ears
-hair colour?: any
-eye colour?: ice blue! Yum!
-movie?: green mile, don’t say a word, girl interrupted.
-tv show?: big brother, my wife and kids, one on one
-website?: urm… www.deviantart.com
-actress?: taryn manning/brittany murphy
-actor?: jake gyllenhaal(sp?) seann william scott
-animal?: panda
-tv channel?: duno
-radio station?: duno lol
-comedian?: lee evans
-book?: many….
-shirt you own?: avnt got a fav
-pants you own?: my black with all the zips etc
-drink?: alcohol
-city?: Manchester
-thing to do by yourself?: lol.... go on msn/sing/write/draw
-thing to do with friends?: go out

*Love Life*

-Are You In A Relationship?: yes
-If Not Would You Like To Be?: -
-If Not Do You Have A Crush?: -
-More than one?: -
-If so how many?: -
- how many of your crushes lyk you?: -
-Are You In Love?: yes
-Would You Do Anything For Them?: yes I guess
-Do They Love You?: yes
-Would They Do Anything For You?: yes
-Is It Love Or Lust?: love

*Questions*

-Do You Drink Alcohol?: yes
-Do You Smoke Cigarettes?: sometimes
-Do You Smoke Pot?: no
-Or Do Any Other Drugs?: no
-Do You Party?: wen i get the chance
-Do You Have Sex?: no
-In A Relationship or Casually?: none
-Do You Prefer to Confide In People?: sometimes
-What do people like most about you?: fuck knows, my randumness maybe lol

*This or That*

-Coke or Pepsi?: Coke(diet only though)
-Red or White wine?: hummm both
-Black or White?: depends wich mood im in really
-Fly or Sail?: Fly
-Movie and pizza, or candle lit dinner?: movie and pizza, though I like the idea of a candle lit dinner
-Sunset or Sunrise?: Sunset
-beach or pool?: beach
-Red or White meat?: White
-Hugs or Kisses?: hugs
-Bath or Shower?: Bath
-Oranges or Lemons?: Oranges
-Popcorn or crisps?: crisps
-White bread or Brown?: White bread
-Summer or Winter?: Summer!!

*Which Friend Is...*:

-Funniest?: nat, dave, liam
-Loudest?: urm…brian/jacob
-Most random?: becky
-Cleverest?: urm…dave I think
-Bitchiest?: dunno
-Flirtiest?: ben
-Nicest?: All my friends are nice
-Prettiest?: oof god. Nat, rach, faye, becky….wachie, emily….the list goes on lol
-The furthest away?: lynchy
-You Could Trust Your Life With?: no one

*Ambitions*:

-Ever Want to Get Married?: yes
-Have Kids?: yes
-Go To College?: maybe
-Die?: sometimes

--

i always do this...always...

Sat, 29 May 2004 13:56:41 GMT

ive decided i'm gunna use this journal too. for fun hehehe.

R	Relaxed
O	Outrageous
I	Insane
S	Strange
E	Enjoyable
A	Adventurous
N	New

M	Meek
E	Emotional
T	Tough
C	Cheerful
A	Arty
L	Loving
F	Flirtatious
E	Edgy

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

i'm in a calm mood today. not good not bad. i am listening to stuff like pink, vanessa carlton, michelle branch and norah jones. calm music, some a bit depressing, but good. because maybe then i can havea good cry and get it all out lol. wanted to go to manc today but i didnt get up early enough. infact i dont think i did wanna go, lol i dunno. fook it :-P x x x Rozie x x x
woah that thing up there ^^ is sooo me! :-O specially the flirtatious, arty and....urm....i forgot the other one i was lol....oh well....luvin ya'all x x x
Insane and emotional! thats the me ;) is there a crazy in there to?! lol

i'm in a good mood now, i just managed to delete this toolbar offa my pc that was fucking it up. not even my dad could do it and he's a pc expert so i'm all jolly now :) have decided i probs wont go out tonight, everyones gunna be at LTJ anyway. unless wardy and liam go out. hummmm *ponders* i like them. theyre fun theyre like my best mates. and theyre very crazy doodes. i dunno, ill go if they want me to.. but ill be goin in at 9 to watch big bro hehehe

ok so i'm blabbling

sshhh! :P

love ya'all x x x x

Fri, 14 May 2004 22:31:50 GMT

alone again i'm feeling blue
stuffed full with thoughts of you
shattering and falling caving into myself
feeling miserable and ready to leave

scratching at my pale white skin
waiting for the night to begin
were i can linger, loose, sing and stare
where nothing else happens with the thoughts that you're there

the keys in the door it's opening slowly
breaking into the dellusion of fantasies so bright
whats wrong with me?
you will hate my music.
you will hate me.

scratching at the wall
falling falling and further i crawl
a buzzing frozen in my ear
i think i've gone insane again

i think i was always fucking insane
i think all this was just a game
i think i was always fucking insane
i think everyone is just the same

look at me tell me i'm not crazy
look me in the eye and convince me
this isn't a game and you aren't the same
as the rest
all the fuckers out there that eat shit from the house of commons
you have your own mind please?
please be that person i have searched for
in some memories i can see you
playing with your toy cars on the floor in your room
happy, enthusiastic, childish
the flame that burns in your eyes
the ring thats always crystalized
and of course
i'm here with you

i'm here for you

promise me i'm not insane
wash away my tears in the rain
i love rain
you can't see my tears through it
i love your heart
because it loves me too

Fri, 14 May 2004 22:31:11 GMT

wipe away the image of the gold heart
and see the black one that ripped me apart

i tinted his heart black
and he got me back

Thu, 06 May 2004 20:59:46 GMT

do you ever sit and wonder that maybe someone so very close to you is just waiting for the perfect moment to say 'i love you?'

do you ever sit and wonder what the person was gunna say, when on msn, when it says ''.... is typing a message' and then it stops?

do you ever wonder, how far you could press if you had the courage..with the knife?

do you ever sit and wonder how much pain it'll take before you do end your life?

do you ever sit and wonder if the one you love, is that one that will ever love you back?

do you ever think, if you where on your own, with no map, would you follow the right track?

do you every wonder what your life would be like without your friends?

and is there ever a time when you just wished your love could end?

do you ever wonder, why they look at you that way?

do you ever think, if you told someone before you killed youself, if they would ask you to stay?

do you ever think, that if you knew the answers, before they asked the question, you could still get them wrong?

and i can't help but wonder, why it is i am writing this song.

FFFFUUUUCCCCCKKK YYYOOOOUUUU

Tue, 04 May 2004 21:42:32 GMT

NOBODY SEES WHAT YOUR DOING TO ME
NOBODY
WHY CANT YOU ALL JUST LEAVE ME ALONE???
WHY CANT YOU ALL JUST UNDERSTAND???
INSTEAD OF TALKING ABOUT ME YOU WHISPER YOU LOOOK N SUDDENLY IM THE MAIN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION
I AM NOTHING!!!!
LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALOOOONE!

Oh and if anyone is dumb enough to reply to this with ''aww rozie u ok?''

NO I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!!!

thank you :)

right-o......

Sun, 02 May 2004 20:39:11 GMT

To whom it may concern,

Today I tried to tell you about my pain. Sometimes I see the way you look at me and I just wish that I could help you understand. But every time I open my mouth the words stop themselves before my tongue can even taste their bitter honesty. You don’t understand how hard it is for me to live with this truth swimming in my veins. I want to tell you so that when our eyes connect I don’t see the fear and confusion of your eyes behind their sullen hue.

I can’t even reach out to you for help because I’m afraid of your own misperceptions. This pain is real; I can feel it inside of me. Those places that you find your strength and happiness, mine are filled with this silent dread. I couldn’t get out of bed because I was so overwrought with a pure melancholy. I didn’t want to be alone; I wished I could call you and have you there to talk to. But it was those hesitations for your reaction, which left me alone in such a time of need.

I would tell you about my self-injury so I wouldn’t have to hide behind my broken body anymore. I want you to know that I am suicidal but I have never had the strength to go, never had the strength to push the blade far enough, or tie the knot tight enough on that rope. Without this red expression I feel naked before this cruel world. Where you have inner strength I have a desolate void. I don’t want you to judge me for my habits. When you look in my eyes I want you to see me as a person; I don’t want you to be blinded by the scars that map out the exterior of my body. I have an inner beauty I wish you would see.

There are events in my life that have shaped this agony. When I begin to speak of these hardships my voice shakes and I become sick to my stomach. There are no spoken words to truly express the knots and twists inside when I try to open up to you. I’m so utterly terrified by what you will think of me and my life. I want to be honest and open about everything that I have been through. But I don’t want to scare you, I’m afraid of losing you.

A map of pain, those four words describe what has become of my skin. Which I now have to hide from the world. A world that accepts me even less than you do. Do you know how it hurts to be rejected by so many? Especially you…I see you and I simply wish you wouldn’t be afraid of the way I express my pain. With a blade and a flame. Such a mess of scars on my thighs and my stomach and my arms. And I can’t even be me in this earth, such a fear for people like me.

I’m not crazy, or psycho. I’m simply trying to get from day to day the best way that I know how. And the more people who understand what I’m going through, the less painful it is for me. I’m pleading to you. Don’t judge me on my scars or my past. Judge me for who I am. And in return I will do the same for you. It pains me to live in secrecy the way I do. I’m searching for the strength to speak honest words to you. Please, when my mouth opens, hear me. No judgement, just love.

Sincerely,

Me, The self-injurer

---

just so u understand....yeah....:(

right

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 16:42:00 GMT

just to tell ya, this isnt my journal, this is so i can watch people on livejournal as well as greatestjournal. for my real one go to - www.greatestjournal.com/users/blackmemories or something like that heh.....search for me if that doesnt work, it aint that hard

thnks...

Your LJ friends secret identities
LJ Username
This person is secretly a cross dresser	legal_insanity_
This person is secretly rich and famous	xjunkgirl
This person is a secret agent	scented_candles
This person is secretly a porn star	legal_insanity_
This person escaped from a mental institution	sambonana
This person is secretly a superhero	cate_the_sheep

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